Until about three months ago I was oblivious to the true nature of narcissistic abuse, then I accidently met a professional on a very long coach trip. The flood gates opened.

I asked her, "do victims of narcissists lie to protect their abusers"

Victims of narcissistic abuse often do engage in deception to protect their abusers, though this behaviour is typically a survival mechanism rather than conscious lying. This happens for several interconnected psychological and practical reasons:

Trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance create situations where victims genuinely believe conflicting narratives about their abuser. They may minimize abuse or make excuses because acknowledging the full reality feels overwhelming or dangerous.

Fear of retaliation is a major factor. Narcissistic abusers often escalate their behaviour when exposed, so victims may lie about bruises, cancel plans, or cover for their partner's actions to avoid triggering worse treatment.

Isolation and dependency make victims feel they have no alternatives. When someone has systematically cut you off from support systems or made you financially dependent, protecting that relationship - even a harmful one - can feel necessary for survival.

Shame and self-blame drive many victims to hide the abuse because they've internalized messages that they deserve it or caused it. They may lie to avoid judgment from others or having to confront their own situation.

Manipulation and gaslighting can genuinely confuse victims about what's real. When someone consistently tells you your perceptions are wrong, you may end up defending them even when part of you knows better.

It's crucial to understand that this protective behaviour isn't a character flaw or weakness - it's an adaptive response to ongoing psychological manipulation and often physical danger. Victims need compassion and support, not judgment about these survival strategies.

Professionals have written about narcissist for centuries, it's a huge problem, I've spent over half my life trying to support and help victims of mental and physical abuse, it drains me and finally I realised there was nothing I could do and walked away. The victims have to accept it and deal with it themselves.

I've only recently realised you cannot trust a single word that victims say OR the people around them that are enabling the abuse. Honesty and integrity go out the window.

The many abused in my life have watched their abusers try to manipulate me, they have seen me stand toe to toe with these losers multiple times, me praying they would have a go, they NEVER do, they just run away and cry. The abused are all happy for a while then reality bites, the abuser waits for me to be out of they way, and the cycle starts all over again.

I don't want pity, I'm happy away from it all, powerless to help. I just want the TRUTH out there.

I asked her if other family members lie to cover mental abusers and controlling people.

Yes, family members of narcissistic abuse victims often lie or cover up the abuse as well. This happens through several dynamics:

Children in the family may lie to protect the abused parent or to avoid making things worse. They learn early that telling the truth about what happens at home can lead to escalation, so they develop habits of secrecy and protection. They might lie to teachers, friends, or even other family members about bruises, missed events, or why mom seems upset.

Extended family members sometimes know something is wrong but choose to look the other way or actively cover for the abuser, especially if the narcissist is charming and manipulative in public. They may make excuses like "that's just how he is" or "she's too sensitive" rather than confronting the reality.

Other household members (like older children or relatives living in the home) often become complicit in the cover-up to maintain family stability or avoid becoming targets themselves. They may lie about incidents they witnessed or participate in the family narrative that minimizes the abuse.

Siblings of the victim might protect their family's reputation by lying to outsiders, or they may have been manipulated by the narcissist into believing the victim is the problem.

This creates what therapists call a "family system" built around protecting the dysfunction. Everyone learns their role in maintaining the illusion that everything is normal. The lies become so ingrained that family members may not even recognize they're doing it - it just becomes the family's survival mechanism.

Breaking these patterns often requires the entire family system to change, which is why recovery from narcissistic abuse can be so complex.